For Jack
by 10ismydoctor
Summary: "He opened his eyes and noticed that something had fallen on the floor. It was a little recorder with a note. He immediately recognized Ianto's careful, elegant handwriting. All it said was "for Jack".


FOR JACK

Jack entered the apartment and he was immediately overwhelmed by memories. He could feel him there, in every angle of every room.

He could see him sitting on the living room couch with a cup of coffee, smiling at him. He could see him making breakfast in that tiny kitchen, he could see him pressed against the table while they made out, forgetting about the fact that they were gonna end up being late.

He wasn't really sure what he was doing there, why he was putting himself through this pain. Maybe it was because he deserved it. He deserved to suffer after what he had done to the people he loved. Loosing them all wasn't enough, he had to feel every inch of the pain he had caused.

Or maybe, he just needed to be surrounded by his things to feel him close again. He missed him so damn much.

Everything in the apartment was tide and clean, just as Ianto had left it. Jack had made fun of him so many time for his need to have everything perfectly organized.

Everything was in the right place, even those ugly cushions that he had kept because they belonged to his mum. Jack brushed his hand against one of them, remembering how careful he always was that those never get ruined, and the one time Jack almost spilled coffee on them, causing Ianto to scream at him. Jack had apologized and apologized when Ianto told him why he cared so much, and the whole thing ended with him holding Ianto in his arms in that same exact spot he was standing right now.

Jack wiped away a tear, took a breath and stepped into the bedroom. The memories there were even more painful. So many nights they had been taking advantage of a big bed, instead of Jack's tiny one at the hub. So many times Jack had lied awake in the middle of the night, just looking at him sleeping, feeling lucky to have him by his side. He always looked so young when he was sleeping. No, he was so young, Jack thought, and now, just like that, he was gone.

Now Jack slept alone, or didn't sleep at all actually. When exhaustion got the best of him, nightmares filled his mind, and Ianto's last breath kept hunting him.

He opened the closet's doors, not sure what he was looking for. All his suits were still there. Jack smiled while touching the fibers of the one suit Ianto wore the night they caught Myfawny. It was older than the others, more worn out, but Jack knew Ianto kept him because he had said he loved it.

Under the suits there were a bunch of perfectly folded shirts in all those different colors. It was a wonder how Ianto could look incredibly hot in every single one of them. Jack especially loved the ones on the red scale. That definitely was his color.

He took one of those up and decided he was gonna keep it. It still smelled like him, so he breathed in that scent he hadn't felt in weeks, feeling his heart breaking all over again.

He opened his eyes and noticed that something had fell on the floor. It was a little recorder with a note. He immediately recognized Ianto's careful, elegant handwriting. All it said was "for Jack."

He took it and sat on the bed, on the side Ianto's used to sleep on. His hands were trembling a bit when he it play.

"Hi Jack." His voice. His deep, beautiful voice came out of the recorded. The same voice Jack was sure he would never hear again. His heart started pounding in chest, he wasn't sure he could handle this.

"If you're listening to this, it means I'm dead. Or maybe you have been snooping around my things. If that's the case, I'm very disappointed in you and you should put this away."

Jack smiled between the tears.

"Anyway, well...after all that has happened lately, after Tosh and Owen, I just...I thought about all those things they left unsaid, you know? I didn't wanna do the same. I want you to know exactly how I feel. And since I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to sharing feelings, I'm not sure if I will actually really do it before it's to late. So just...consider this a plan B in case I didn't.

So...I'm dead. I hope it's been a very long time after I recorded this. And I hope I was still with you. If you're listening to this, I assume I probably was. I'm happy about that.

The first thing you need to know is that this wasn't your fault." Jack let go of a silent sob. He was wrong. He had been his fault. All of those deaths were his fault.

"However it was that I died, it wasn't your fault. You didn't drag me into this job. Actually, if you remember, I was very insistent on being hired, and I don't regret it. Not for a moment. Torchwood three changed my life. You changed my life. I was lost and broken and you gave me a home. You gave me a family. You showed me something worth fighting for. You made me a better person. You made stronger and braver. You did that to all of us. You made us all better.

The second important thing you need to know is that...well...I love you. I hope I actually managed to say this before I died, but you know me.

Anyway, there it is. I love you, Jack. I love you in a way that scares me. You're the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't care if I sound like a sap, I'm dead already anyway.

Knowing you will never actually be mine is not easy to accept, but I'm trying my best, cause I know there's nothing either one of us can do about it. We have always known this moment would have come, the moment when I would die and you'll have to move on. I'm ok with it. I really am."

Listening to this was breaking Jack's heart. The whole idea that he died without knowing that he was, in fact, his, was making him feel even more guilty. He should have told him that. He should have told him so many things.

"You know, sometimes...well, this is very embarrassing but, again, I'm dead, so it doesn't really matter I guess. Sometimes I wonder how things would have been like if we were normal people. If we didn't work for Torchwood and if you weren't immortal. Do you think we could have been happy together? Do you think we could have been one of those couples arguing at the grocery shop or walking hand in hand at the beach? I guess we'll never know. I think I would have love to have that with you.

Not that what we had wasn't good. It was. It really was. When I'm with you...I'm happy. I don't care about how messed up our life is. I'm just grateful for any moment I can spend with you, for every time I can touch you, knowing I have to make the best of it. I hope I did. I hope we didn't waste a moment of the time we had.

I hope you'll remember me. I wanna believe you will. But I won't blame you if you won't, because I know you have no choice. I know you have to move on. I want you to move on. I just hope there will be a little space for me in your memories. I hope every once in a while you'll remember one of those night when we talked for hours, or one of those when we didn't talk at all.

Wow, I'm really making a fool of myself. I guess thinking about dead makes me all sappy.

There's only one last thing I wanna tell you, then I can stop this non sense rambling: you need to move on, Jack.

I know how much you care about me. Even if you are not the most open person, I can feel it. I've always felt it. I have even wondered how I get so lucky to be loved by someone like you. So, I'm assuming you must be grieving right now. I hope this tape will help you. Maybe it'll give you some closure. I hope so.

I wish I could see you right now, just to make sure you are ok. I worry about you, Jack. I worry a lot. You have such heavy weights on your shoulders all the time, and I have a feeling I don't even know half of it.

It isn't good for you to be alone. You need someone to share your weights with. I hope I was that person for a little bit, but now you have to find someone else. It's not gonna be hard, you are the most handsome man in the universe after all, right?

Just keep on going, cause the earth needs you.

So...I guess that's all. Goodbye, Jack Harkness. You were the love of my life. Don't forget me."

The next morning, Jack woke up in Ianto's bed, the recorder still in his hand. He must have fall asleep after listening to the tape, unable to move because the pain had been so intense he had become a physical aching.

He had dreamed about him. It was more than a dream. It was a memory of a Sunday afternoon when they had laid in that same bad, making love, laughing, making fun of each other.

When he woke up, the truth hit him again. Ianto was gone, and he was alone. He got out of the apartment in the cold morning rain, wondering what to do to survive another day.


End file.
